Rating System
My rating system is not mathematical. A five star movie is not just an abstraction of 100%, it does not mean the movie is perfect, and it does not mean it’s exactly equal in quality to every other movie that got five stars. Hopefully, it will also help break the association with things like academic grading scales. If you scored 50% correct on a test, you’d have failed completely; for my ratings three stars simply puts the movie somewhere in the middle of good and bad. I would hesitate to even call it an average movie though, because that also draws us back into comparison with other movies. A three star movie is average not in the mathematical sense, that there are roughly as many movies (released, or that I’ve seen, or whatever) better as there are movies worse, but average in its own right. The good in that movie roughly balances out the bad. So here we go:
*****
With few exceptions, I’d recommend a five star movie to anyone at any time. With those same few exceptions, I’d probably say I loved the entire movie. The exceptions to these kind of blanket statements would be, for example, a fantastic movie about the Holocaust. You might not want to watch a brilliant portrayal of something horrible on a whim, nor would I say something like “I love the Holocaust!” Actually, this category will probably have the most exceptions to any generalization I try to make; the further a movie deviates from standard Hollywood blockbusters, the more polarizing the reaction will probably be. I think the only thing safe to assume is that I think you should see this movie. You should investigate the movie further on your own to determine things like whether you should watch it with your mother, or on a date.
****
“Hey, you guys wanna watch a movie?” My recommendation will probably come from this category. A great action movie, a great comedy, anything fairly standard and safe but well executed will probably end up in this category. There will be exceptions though, the “almosts.” Maybe one bad performance keeps a movie from five star status, or maybe one remarkable performance elevates what would otherwise warrant three. You should still probably watch these if you get the chance.
***
The biggest thing a three star movie does wrong is takes up two hours of your life you could have spent on a four or five star movie. There’s really nothing remarkable about them at all. Nothing stands out as amazing, but nothing really offends. It’s just the Hollywood machine doing its thing. When your friends overrule you at Blockbuster and pick a three star movie, you just shrug and go along with it. Two hours later, no one will be too upset, but you’ll have a stronger case for your pick on the next movie night.
**
Now you’re getting into movies you wish you hadn’t seen. When your friends pick this one, it’s time to throw their car keys into the bushes in the Blockbuster parking lot and make a run for it. Still, if you really look, you can probably find one or two redeeming qualities. Not enough to save the movie, but maybe you don’t lose all respect for an actor just because he’s involved, or maybe it has an awesome soundtrack. There are going to be exceptions in this category too: bad niche movies. Jackie Chan movies, for example. No one’s watching them for any reason other than to marvel at what an amazing athelete he is. Being niche movies, they’re not the type of thing you’ll probably watch by accident.
*
Reevaluate your friends, or yourself for your association. There is nothing of value in this movie. As soon as it is clear you’re watching a one star movie, you should stop. You shouldn’t wait it out. You should not watch these.