Wholly Schmidt!

Music. Is there a better way to talk about yourself without talking about yourself? I submit that there is not. Tell me the last time you got into a conversation about music where at least one of you wasn’t trying–subtly or otherwise–to show just how knowledgable, refined, discerning, or eclectic they were in either their music or their passive-aggressive rejection of yours.

So that’s music, how about lists? No one talks in lists. Ok, maybe as an ice breaker, “What’s your favorite movie?” might turn into “Well I can’t pick just one,” but no one strikes up a conversation with an itemized list of anything. There’s a simple reason, no one wants to read or hear your list. I’m willing to bet that if you’re here, you’ve spent some time on The Internet (if this is your first visit to the World Wide Web, I wouldn’t even know where to begin my apology), so you may have picked up on the fact that despite how little anyone actually wants to read a list, they’re everywhere. Blogs are crammed to the…to the top of their blogginess with lists, and no forum is complete without a thread about ranking your favorite cars, movies, video games (Did I mention I Play A Lot of Video Games?), actors, and of course, music. Even otherwise reputable sites will be tempted, especially now with the lure of the phoned-in “Best of the Year” journalistic Get Out Of Deadline Free Card.

You don’t read them, not really. But you do. Not comprehending, only skimming, until BAM! There it is. That person lists the same thing you’d put on your list. You are affirmed, your ego is stroked, and you feel good about yourself. That’s why we make lists, to show other people how cool we are, and that’s the only reason we read them: the only value someone’s list has is the validation of your own taste, the smug satisfaction knowing that someone else has the good sense to make what’s obviously the right choice, the comfort that someone else thinks–no, knows and acknowledges–that Animals is the best Pink Floyd album, Orange is the best color, or Fallout is the best RPG.

So where does that leave us? Oh yeah, iTunes Celebrity Playlists. If you’re not familiar with them, celebrities get solicited to assemble playlists and submit them to iTunes with short blurbs defending their picks. Users can assemble playlists of their own and send them to friends, but they’re not put on display for everyone. The idea is that you’ll buy some music and make Apple some money (or drive iPod sales or whatever), but we all know the real deal for the user is the exponential increase in smugness and self-worth when it’s not some forum-nobody, but Samuel L. Jackson who has the good sense to fall in with your musically-defined identity.

So here’s where I come in. Rather than give you my list, I’m going to provide you with The List. The one list to rule them all, the list you can’t help but agree completely with. You’ll feel so good you may never crave list-based-affirmation again! Read and be amazed.

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