The Celebrity Playlist
Music. Is there a better way to talk about yourself without talking about yourself? I submit that there is not. Tell me the last time you got into a conversation about music where at least one of you wasn’t trying–subtly or otherwise–to show just how knowledgable, refined, discerning, or eclectic they were in either their music or their passive-aggressive rejection of yours.
So that’s music, how about lists? No one talks in lists. Ok, maybe as an ice breaker, “What’s your favorite movie?” might turn into “Well I can’t pick just one,” but no one strikes up a conversation with an itemized list of anything. There’s a simple reason, no one wants to read or hear your list. I’m willing to bet that if you’re here, you’ve spent some time on The Internet (if this is your first visit to the World Wide Web, I wouldn’t even know where to begin my apology), so you may have picked up on the fact that despite how little anyone actually wants to read a list, they’re everywhere. Blogs are crammed to the…to the top of their blogginess with lists, and no forum is complete without a thread about ranking your favorite cars, movies, video games (Did I mention I Play A Lot of Video Games?), actors, and of course, music. Even otherwise reputable sites will be tempted, especially now with the lure of the phoned-in “Best of the Year” journalistic Get Out Of Deadline Free Card.
You don’t read them, not really. But you do. Not comprehending, only skimming, until BAM! There it is. That person lists the same thing you’d put on your list. You are affirmed, your ego is stroked, and you feel good about yourself. That’s why we make lists, to show other people how cool we are, and that’s the only reason we read them: the only value someone’s list has is the validation of your own taste, the smug satisfaction knowing that someone else has the good sense to make what’s obviously the right choice, the comfort that someone else thinks–no, knows and acknowledges–that Animals is the best Pink Floyd album, Orange is the best color, or Fallout is the best RPG.
So where does that leave us? Oh yeah, iTunes Celebrity Playlists. If you’re not familiar with them, celebrities get solicited to assemble playlists and submit them to iTunes with short blurbs defending their picks. Users can assemble playlists of their own and send them to friends, but they’re not put on display for everyone. The idea is that you’ll buy some music and make Apple some money (or drive iPod sales or whatever), but we all know the real deal for the user is the exponential increase in smugness and self-worth when it’s not some forum-nobody, but Samuel L. Jackson who has the good sense to fall in with your musically-defined identity.
So here’s where I come in. Rather than give you my list, I’m going to provide you with The List. The one list to rule them all, the list you can’t help but agree completely with. You’ll feel so good you may never crave list-based-affirmation again! Read and be amazed.
The Anti-Stereotype
Let’s kick things off with something edgy, eh? This is where white boys put rap music. I’m pretty sure only Chris Rock is allowed to tastefully pick on other races, so I wouldn’t even know what to joke about if you’re Black, or Inuit, or a Woman, or even just whiter than me. This could be considered the comedy option of the “Look how eclectic I am” list entries. It lets people know you’re so cool you transcend all boundaries of self, but in a very wink-wink nudge-nudge, it’s not like the rest of my list is this transcendant, and can’t you just imagine how silly I look singing this to myself as I drive sort of way.
Examples:
Ludacris - Southern Hospitality (iTunes)
OutKast - Bust* (iTunes)
Justified Pop
You know, deep down, that this is just happy, simple pop music, but that won’t stop you from explaining how this one–this is good, this is smart, this is real music. It’s ok. You don’t have to defend yourself to me, I know you’re not really shallow, maybe this is just you being ironic, and besides, everyone’s allowed one empty pop song, right? (Don’t think too long about why I give two examples.)
The Album Cheat
Everyone’s got an album somewhere, I hope, that’s got better songs by itself than the rest of your list combined. Who wants to see them all in a list though? So you just put in one song, with an explanation that it really represents the whole album. The rules don’t really apply to you anyway, right? Bonus points if the track you pick is also the album title.
The Artist Cop-out
The complement to the Album Cheat, you go back and put this in when you’ve made it to the end of your list and realized a band you really feel defines you as a person has completely failed to get any songs into your list. How can that be? The system is obviously flawed, but you’re in too deep now. Make up something about how it was playing for your first kiss, hope no one realizes if it came out six months ago, and keep going.
The Power of Primacy
This left an impression because it was first. It’s on the first CD you bought, it’s from the first concert you attended, or it’s the first song you stole with Napster. Play your cards right (read: lie) and this establishes your credibility as longstanding.
The Power of Recency
To include a song still in heavy rotation on the Top 40 station is to risk exposing weakness and a predilection for bandwagons, but you’re pretty sure you’re right about this, and besides, you were listening to these guys back before they had a record deal anyway, right?
Number One
Lists aside, you probably have a favorite song. As luck would have it, you have no concise explanation, and you can’t just say “It’s awesome” and leave it at that, so you sneak it in way down the list and hope everyone else is skimming pretty fast by now. If it catches their eye and they switch back to reading, it’s because they think “It’s awesome” too, and you don’t have to defend yourself anyway. Win-win!
Queens of the Stone Age - No One Knows (iTunes)
L.L. This Song
This one’s for the ladies, the song that lets women know that you’re a sensitive guy and you totally get them, no matter how unreasonable or unaccountable it is to put this in your list. I’m not actually sure if women do the same sort of thing on their lists. I guess that blows my cover, huh?**
The Classics
If your musical collection is so completely mainstream that everything you own is fair game for a Trivial Pursuit question, you’re going to be laughed out of the hip, upscale, coffee house before you can so much as thoughtfully stroke your goatee. On the other hand, there are plenty of bands that were popular because they were actually good, and you’d look just as silly if you completely failed to acknowledge the classics.
Examples:
Pink Floyd - One of These Days (iTunes)
Johnny Cash - The Man Comes Around (iTunes)
Behold: My Soul
These do more for your credibility as a sensitive, emotional, human being than as a musical elitist, but that’s almost as important so we’ll let it slide. You might not actually relate in any way to what’s going on in the song, save that the passion behind it resonates with you, and that’s just fine, it makes you look mysterious.
Examples:
Tool - 10,000 Days (Wings Part 2) (Amazon)
Elliot Smith - Needle In The Hay (Amazon)
So there we have it. By now it’s obvious that even I couldn’t resist the vanity of sneaking my own list in there, oh so cleverly disguised as a critique of the whole idea. I can only hope it worked, that you really did read, and that maybe you even chuckled a little. At worst, I hope you feel at least a little awesomer, even if it’s not as awesome as me.
*Yes, I realize pretending OutKast gives me hip-hop street cred just makes me look that much whiter.
**I wonder what miniscule subset of my audience will get both references in that one.